Mere thought of your partner having an affair
is one of the biggest fears of people in long term relationships yet very few
really understand or try to understand the reason that why this happen?
First of all we should understand
that the basic wiring of male and female brains are different, hence their
demands and aspirations are different. There are different chemical releases at
different point of time which evolve or dissolve a relationship.
Whenever two people commit to each other for a long term relationship it
is thought that they have moved on from the stage of lust to romantic love
stage when the brain chemistry changes. With women, it activates the caudate nucleus causing her
testosterone levels to rise and increasing her sexual desires and likewise
different areas become active in men, including the visual cortex and a man’s
oxytocin level rises making him softer and cuddlier.
These
temporary changes give the couple an illusion that they are a perfect match, but
the main difference between men and women is that men usually stay in lust
stage longer than women, which means he’s still in for intimacy while she has
moved on to the next level. So usually when men are asked to define an affair
they describe it as intimacy with or without emotional involvement but for
women it is an emotional event whether it involves physical intimacy or not, it
includes talking on phone, intimate messaging, romantic dinners and so on...
But as the time passes by and conditions this temporary phase is
replaced by the reality. men stop understanding that women needs to be in the
mood to feel for intimacy, she wants her man to talk to her about feelings
and emotions, to listen with compassion and touch her tenderly. All these
things are not part of his basic wiring. Hence a women self image takes a back
seat and she feels undesirable and like an object.
Women don’t understand that men express themselves emotionally through intimacy.
For men, intimacy is intimacy and love is love, sometimes it happens together. Hence,
both start blaming each other. She calls him insensitive and he calls her manipulative
and frigid. Soon it becomes a habit of playing the blame game. But the reality
is that she feels insecure and unattractive and he feels dejected and
isolated. Neither understand each other‘s perspective and hence a perfect
viable relationship comes to the brim of an end....and a demand for someone who
can cater to your needs arise in your brain.
Six Common Myths About Cheating
· Its only men who cheat: It is thing of the past..a new
research has revealed that women in 20’s and 30’s have almost the same
amount of affairs as their male counterparts as more women in this age group
are financially independent so more likely to take risks in their relationships.
Almost 50% of all affairs are with person at the workplace.
·There is a cheater profile: Given the right
circumstances anyone is susceptible to cheating without even a single thought
of being unfaithful, it may not even be consistent with the person’s value
system but if the circumstances and time is right and opportunity presents
itself then person may get tempted, like if you are having a fight with your
partner and a colleague of yours sympathise and complements you may get drawn
toward him/her at that moment. So don’t fool yourself that you can never have
an affair but avoid the situation which can make you susceptible.
·Long term monotony leads to an affair: A research has
revealed that most of the extra marital affairs occur during first 2 years of
marriage as people are not sure if they have made the right choice as it takes
minimal two years of living with the person before you know him/her. If
man/woman was a serial cheater before marriage then he/she can be suspected in
initial two years also.
·A man is driven to infidelity when he is not happy at home: In 2007, noted infidelity researcher
Shirley Glass found that people who never intended to be unfaithful unwittingly formed deep , passionate connection before they realise that they
had crossed the line between platonic friendship and romantic love. For
males it was an opportunity and for females it was due to emotional neglect by
their partner for around a year. So gradually the replacement took place. So
the bottom line is reduce the emotional distance and discuss about your
relationship.
·You will get it right second time around: Those who are in habit of cheating if
pair up permanently with their affairee 75% divorce . as people in an
affair are like in a drug striken world free from paying the bills and cleaning
the toilets. So always plan the practical issues as fantasy last only for a year
and life needs practical decision.
·You can sense when your partner is fooling around: Most people ignore the signals as
they have their relationship based on trust that come what may their partner
will always be faithful, so people prefer denial rather face the upset of
uncovering the affair. Women are better at spotting these clues but males are
not as they don’t have the ability to match the contradictory signals between speech
and action. Hence men are more shocked when they come to know of their female
cheating partner.
Infidelity is a matter of great
fear in any relationship but there are always warning signals when one partner
is unhappy and likely to stray, so by talking and communicating your feelings
and fears to your partners, talking your heart out and keeping in touch with
the heart of the relationship you can build a barrier to keep infidelity out. Few words of care and a tender hug can make a world of difference.
- By Anu Sharma (Guest Writer)
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Good one. . to equip mind with thoughts. .