The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. - Will Rogers
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Steven Wright
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. - Douglas Adams
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead. - Bill McGlashen
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. - Brian Gerald
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. - Steven Wright
Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. - Christopher Marlowe
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. - Jackie Mason
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money. - Jack Handy
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. - Robert Benchley
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. - Jerry Seinfeld
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. - -Laurence J. Peter
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. - Walt Whitman
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Rodney Dangerfield
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
- Charles Wadsworth
My life needs editing. - Mort Sahl
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. - Rita Rudner
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. - Oliver Herford
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. - Norman Wisdom
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. - Bob Hope
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. - Jack Nicholson
Categories:
Quotes
