The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Will Rogers
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.   - Steven Wright
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.  Douglas Adams 



I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.    - Woody Allen 


Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.   - Bill McGlashen

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.   - Brian Gerald 
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.    - Steven Wright 



Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.   - Christopher Marlowe
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.   - Jackie Mason
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.   - Jack Handy
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.    Robert Benchley 

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.    Jerry Seinfeld 

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.              - -Laurence J. Peter 

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.   - Franklin P. Jones
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.  Walt Whitman 

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.   - Rodney Dangerfield

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. 
             Charles Wadsworth                                       
My life needs editing.    Mort Sahl 
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.    Rita Rudner 

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.    Oliver Herford 

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.  Norman Wisdom 

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.    -Mae West 

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.   - Bob Hope

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.    - Jack Nicholson


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